Football transfer rumours: Arsenal to sign José Giménez?

 
Not for nothing is Pep Guardiola known as the best coach in the world; behold how he has arrived at Manchester City and binned everyone who doesn’t precisely fit his preordained specifications, replacing them with the most obvious and most expensive players available to him. Genius! And now, he’s decided that he’d like another centre-back, so calling once again on that amazing eye for a talent, has spotted a lad at Juventus by the name of Leonardo Bonucci. Juventus actually made him available to City earlier in the summer, but have since informed them that any deal will require the replacement of numbers with an entirely new financial scale, to be called “in the region of John Stones money”.

To recoup any further outlay, City would like to sell Joe Hart, cleverly drumming up business by first humiliating and then replacing him, in the process drawing attention to a failing that had preoccupied no one – at least relative to his other failings. But after doing all they can to make him the club they are effectively refusing to let him leave the club, refusing to loan him out and insisting that £30m is a fair price for someone they believe to be less good than Willy Caballero. It would be very, very funny indeed, if treating workers badly were very, very funny indeed.
Meanwhile, little City – or Barcelona as they’re still known to some – will replace Claudio Bravo with Ajax’s Jasper Cillessen. Last summer, Cillessen was a target for Manchester United, when Louis van Gaal thought David de Gea would leave for Real Madrid; also around that time, he replaced Ángel di María with Memphis Depay.
United, though, do not expect to buy again during this transfer window, unless a player they want becomes available. Similarly, José Mourinho will not indulge in gratuitous tiffs with anyone he wants, unless he wants to.
Talking of Mourinho, Charity Shield champion David Moyes has offered Lamine Koné £50,000 a week to reject Everton’s advances and stay at Sunderland. He could earn far more on Merseyside, but is likely to be put-off by the glaring omission on Ronald Koeman’s CV: he has yet to defeat Wigan Athletic in a Wembley showpiece.
Koeman, for his part, is busy shattering dreams, not only telling Oumar Niasse that that he needs to leave Everton but also that Hull City are interested in buying him. The Senegalese striker plans on inviting Graham Taylor and Gianluca Pagliuca to form a support group.
Elsewhere, Arsène Wenger is still looking for a centre-back, but is struggling with the nature of the market. He simply cannot abide a situation in which English clubs are charged more money than other clubs, his degree in economics failing him right when he needs to notice that English clubs have much, much more money than other clubs. Nonetheless, Arsenal have, apparently, opened talks with Atlético Madrid over José Giménez, a transfer to excite all of football; who is not fascinated to see how long it takes for a Uruguayan defender to become fully arsenalised?
And finally for today, we go across north London to Tottenham. Earlier this summer, they offered £3m for Pau Lopez, Espanyol’s 21-year-old goalkeeper – only for it to be rejected. So instead, the incomparable Daniel Levy is trying to sign him on a season-long loan with an option to make it permanent, because of course, the original stumbling block was Espanyol’s moral conviction that Spurs must try before they buy. It’s beautiful.